| (no subject) |
[May. 12th, 2005|06:16 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  nostalgic | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | With Every Breath - Sixpence None the Richer | ] |
When I was younger, I was a gigantic optimist. My mental image of
myself back then (in scribbly six-year-old-ness) was a large pigtailed
circle over an unimportant chunk of matter below.
I feel sad, strangely, whenever I draw realism. It is the main reason
why I do. The more detailed a piece is, the more thought I put into it,
the sadder or more confused I am at the time. One of my best sketches
came out when I was sitting in the bathroom, hiding from the world. My
brain was furiously going over the same thoughts over and over, and I
was trying hard to control my breath. I'm very weak; if I get too out
of breath I tend to go unconcious. I don't have asthma, it's just the
way I am.
I cry in a very strange way. Very rarely do I make a sound, and I shed
comparatively few tears. But my eyes... oh, I've seen myself in the
mirror once or twice.
And I say once or twice because, generally, I can't even open my
eyes... and I don't usually want to, either. My eyebrows get stuck
together, and my whole eye cavity gets red as blood. My eyes just
scrunch up, and they shine like lampposts. My face gets blotchy, and I
feel all twisted round into myself, coiled around this one spot in the
middle of my ribcage. But no sound. Never any sound.
It was one of these times, I was sketching furiously. My hand was being
extremely careful, and it had very little paper to work with; but when
I finally emerged from thinking about myself, about the things that
hurt, I looked down and blinked. I wiped my eyes for the umpteenth
time, and forgot myself for a minute.
I had drawn something with two-point perspective. It was just a random
animal-faced girl, with hair in her eyes - and this huge, carefree
smile.
You know, the happy grin you get from watching children play around
with a dog. Or from sitting on a bench staring up at the blue, blue
sky. She was happy. She had pigtails. And she was perfect, in just that
one moment.
When I was little, my main thought pattern went something like Santana's "Why Don't You and I":
So I say why don't you and I get
together,
take on the world and be together
forever!
That was what this image was like. That is who I am.
When I was little, I often felt alone; the kind of desperate alone
where you feel the oppressive darkness around you. The kind where you
can't even see your hand in front of your face no matter how much you
will the light in.
But I was mostly indifferent to that.
I always had this large corner of my mind reserved for me, when
everything seemed too big. Too scary. When everyone seemed to look down
at you that day, and when you felt like you were going to start hating
the world. For situations like realizng with a cold slap in the face
that you didn't have any friends your own age and gender. Or your own
species. That you had no one to talk to.
I still use it, sometimes. This corner. Often I let it slide back
comfortably into my unconcious, where it can fit better and not intrude
with that which adults find so important.
And that is what my hand did. It could care less what I was crying
about. Whatever petty human emotion it was that was troubling me. It
guided itself by that image which I always hold in the back of my mind;
it's in there with the smell of rain, the sweet taste of freshly-cooked
pie, the feeling you get when it's Christmas and you're tiptoeing down
the stairs in your slippers, anticipating the green and blue and red
and gold tree awaiting you downstairs.
This comforts me in ways no one could ever possibly understand. My
mother never understood why I was always such a quiet child. I played
in corners. By myself. She never realized that those 87 Beanie Babies,
15 barbie dolls, 2 plastic tigers and 15 plastic horses and countless
Stuffed Elders were my universe. Through them, I learned about
happiness and joy; and from looking back, I know that my one and most
important feeling was the happiness of being with someone you can
trust, someone you can love. All of my stuffed animals had partners. It
seems ironic.
It's a little more complex now, my corner. It has been tainted slightly. But it's still there, waiting, in case I need it.
Maybe I can be someone's corner.
~ Fia |
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| Being Emphatic |
[May. 1st, 2005|08:07 pm] |
Now, I'm a really emphatic, sympathetic type of person. I can't stand funerals, because I just feel like if the whole room's being asphixiated by the collected sadness. Often, even if I don't know someone, I feel like I should melt from the combined pressure of the emotions around me. And it's not like I know exactly what they're going through - you can't ever claim to know EXACTLY what anyone's going through, even if your situation is similar, because it's a whole different worldview - but I tend to just know what they're feeling, and I feel it too. I cry when I hear someone I don't know died. The worst part is, I just can't separate what =I= feel from what =they= feel sometimes, or I can but I know there's really nothing I can do to cheer anyone up. It's like I know the WHAT and the WHY but I don't know the HOW TO GET THROUGH THIS, so my gift's basically useless.
At first, I felt this kind of obligation to try and fix everything I possibly could, because I knew what it was that was wrong, and that's the first step to making things better. Any doctor will tell you that.
I wanted to be a doctor when I was little. I wanted to help people. I switched over to wanting to be a vet early, because even at 6 years old I could tell animal medicine was way less advanced than people medicine, and I could do tons more in the field. But I realized pretty quickly that "helping" is a very ambiguous term.
Let me take a political view as an example.
I know for sure that tons of people that elected Dubya feel that they've "freed the Iraqi people", and I'm sure they felt the same way when they "freed the Afghan people". This is - forgive the term - complete and utter BS. sure, some Iraqis and some Afghans were probably very happy - but you can't possibly claim to free them from any sort of evil. It's as moronic as opening a zoo lion's cage and screaming, "BE FREE! BE FREE! YOU CAN SWIM ACROSS THE ATLANTIC AND GO BACK TO AFRICA!!" It's the equivalent of throwing a person out of his house and telling him, "You're free of your parent's confinements! Go, little human! Make little human friends off in Humanland where you were born across the country!"
Sure, some lions and some humans might actually go and do that, but the fact is, not all of them will. And not all of them will want to turn around and thank you for ruining their lives.
Back to my original discussion, this is the same with wanting to "help" people and animals. Sure, you can do gajillions of things as a doctor, and I know for sure that at least in that science you really are doing them some good - but my interest is more in the mental area. Psychology. Animal Behaviorism.
What is defined as "healthy" there may make some people feel oppressed. It may make animals all-out bizarrely different from before, and not always to their liking. You're freaking changing their patterns of behavior. Their patterns of thought. The one reason I can go through life knowing that no matter what happens I'll be okay is because no one can mess with the way I think. No one can mess with my BRAIN.
Psychology does that. I'm pretty sure they'd find a couple of things wrong with me. It certainly isn't healthy for me to suppress my sexuality, for sure. (For all of those that don't know, I'm asexual). And it certainly isn't 'alright' for me to be so moody and depressive on the inside. And furthermore, if they found out about the things I wanted, went through and thought as a kid? Hoo boy. Straight to the health institute I go, and on gossamer wings of the wind!
So how do you go about helping people who have emotional or thought patterns issues?
I'm not talking about things like me thinking they shouldn't believe in God or absurdities like that. I'm talking about getting them to understand when they're hurting someone, or getting them to turn a little to the right and see some sun, or getting them to realize that it's all going to be okay, or that they need to get over this thing because it's never going to happen. There's stark reality and there's pretty reality. Do they honestly want this change? Do you?
If there's a person who thinks life is completely useless and is on the verge of grabbing a knife or taking an overdose, can you honestly easily give them hope? Can you restrain their hand without them hating you for it with every fiber of their being?
These are the kinds of issues I'm talking about. And if I don't or can't fix these things, you have no idea what I go through. Whenever a person loses 2 hours of work on their computer, I just feel like I should rush over to their house, computer in my arms, plug it into the wall and permanently delete 2 hours of MY work if it would make them feel better. But it won't. And sometimes, there's really nothing you can do. I need to learn to cope with that. Death is one of the things I can't cope with. I'm not afraid of dying myself - I'm afraid of someone else dying.
So how can I make a difference? I'm trying to find this out every day. There's still no definitive answer. |
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| Restrictions and Overprotection |
[Apr. 26th, 2005|07:05 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  irate | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | "Boss of Me" - They Might Be Giants | ] |
My ex-boyfriend leaves for Russia tommorrow. The most likely thing is that I won't see him for another eight months, if ever at all. I want to see him, yeah. There's a pool over at his house, and he's invited people over - myself included. I really badly want to go.
Seems like I'd be the stupidest person in the world NOT to go, right? That's what it seems.
There's one thing blocking my way; my mother.
Now, I love my mother very very much - don't you get this wrong - but I don't feel like I can tell her anything. (This, of course, upsets her, as I never talk to her and whatnot). Her being a psychologist has something to do with it, I suppose, but it's mostly that I get this feeling that she doesn't trust me. Like, since she basically doesn't know who I am, she doesn't feel like she knows how to measure when I'm lying or not, so she can't trust me.
She lets my sister disappear for no reason with a friend as long as she knows who. She lets my brother disappear for no reason anytime, anywhere. (When he visits, there's been more than one time that we wake up and his car's gone, and my mom doesn't bat an eyelash).
But me?
Ooooh no. When I even just ASKED if "maybe could I go?" about my ex-boyfriend's thing, she immediately got annoyed that:
a) I was telling her at "last-minute" (hey, I found out today too, okay?)
b) Who was going to take me? The chauffer wasn't here, she was leaving to work, my dad was leaving to Guadalajara (or wherever), I can't drive, blah blah blah (I told her I was planning to go with Clau, my gal-friend)
c) Clau was going to take me (she doesn't trust Clau either, and complained that she hadn't even seen her in a week, so how could she let me go just like that?)
d) She didn't know THE EXACT ADDRESS OMG where my ex-boyfriend lived (This being because she never actually let me GO THERE while we were going out)
e) She didn't know THE EXACT PHONE NUMBER OMG of my ex-boyfriend's house (I lost it a couple of months back, okay? I always called him at his cell phone)
f) She didn't know who was going (Umn, his friends? It's not like it's MY party)
g) She really didn't like my ex-boyfriend (This is hardly my fault)
h) She really didn't trust my ex-boyfriend (Dude, you don't trust ME, remember?)
i) There's school tommorrow (It's a half-day, and we're going to Chipinque - IE I don't even have any homework due)
j) She was leaving to work and, IF I got ALL the above info, I was to call her before even CONSIDERING leaving (she can't come home and find me gone, apparently, because - first point - SHE DOESN'T TRUST ME)
This makes no sense.
And then she complains that I never go anywhere on weekends, and that she never sees my friends over at my house.
It's because she doesn't LET ME - anytime I need/want to go anywhere, it's THAT whole scenario. She doesn't mind people coming over - but gee, it's a friend's birthday party and she wants me to ask them to hold it at my house just because I can't attend otherwise?
Two weeks ago I hung out the =whole= weekend only because she was out of the city. My dad didn't mind. He just asked me, "Oh, who are you going with? Okay, so you'll be back this afternoon? Okay. Need me to pick you up? Yeah? Alright, just tell me when and where, and I'll be there. In case I need it, just give me your friend's cellphone number. Okay, have fun!"
Why can't my mother be like that? I know she loves me and all, but I'm sixteen. One of the reasons I don't drive is that she wouldn't let me go anywhere even if I did, and if she did let me go anywhere, I'd likely disappear for most of the day anyway (as I don't have any privacy in my house). My sister's thirteen, and she gets my dad's attitude with my mom, no begging required. And this is, why, because she tells me mom absolutely EVERY DETAIL and EVERY SINGLE JOKE they told at school, no matter how obscene? How does this qualify as "trust"? My mom knows I don't drink! I don't smoke! Heck, I HATE alcohol. I was only planning to go to the thing for like an hour and a half, anyway!
And, sure, my brother is twenty years old - but HE drinks. HIS friends are likely more obscene by far than mine. HE gets to go to girl's houses no problem, and HE gets to hang out till 4. I don't even like staying up past 1:30. I measure my frickin' self!
My mom's told me she gets the impression I'm "still a little kid". Wait, where do you get this impression? I'm 5'9"! I may have a baby face, but baby face != baby attitude. I don't beg. I never ask for anything. When I do ask for something (usually only pressing matters), she either forgets completely and I have to remind her every single day (as in, re-explain every minute detail), or she thinks I wouldn't look at it if I had it.
AAAAAAAAAARGHCALKJLAKJDLKAJEKA.
I'm just not going to my ex's thing. There's no way I'm making it. And I've been looking to see him for the past week!! AALKJLAJGHE!! #!$%!$
So much for saying goodbye. |
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| Try To Guess the Song |
[Apr. 21st, 2005|11:13 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  sleepy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Modest Mouse - "Paper Thin Walls" | ] |
Take lyrics to a song, paste them to Google Language Tools. Translate them from English to German, then from German to French, then from French back to English. Post the lyrics on your blog and ask people to guess what song it is.
Me to dance you rather than, you then, why we do not move in the other sector are right there the sector, so that we agitate and hey, want to me this melody, even if I hear could what you have says me, would become my that it doubts, answer thus to be interesting, you, because I did not read a particular book all the year and the only film that I, saw, me could not hear it all me dance rather, me as rather would dance, a conversation with you to speak me would dance rather, me would dance rather rather, than a discussion with you me to dance probability of false interpretation thus made your hips make which is the leisures me forms to you puddle pools increases, while functioning as the cord which sings and you form me smile, while really receiving in balancing which receives in balancing and received in balancing which receives in balancing and received in balancing which receives in balancing and received in balancing which receives in balancing and received in balancing..., (to receive in balancing...) I would dance rather, me to dance rather, that a discussion with you whom I would dance rather, me, to dance rather, that a discussion with you me rather, me would dance, would rather dance, which a discussion with you me rather, me would dance, would dance rather, which a discussion with you me with you would dance rather me with you would dance rather
(Fia note: This is a hilarious translation. "the probability of false interpretation thus made your hips make which is the leisures me forms"... hahahahaa)
Okay, and here's a more popular one, that you'll get more likely than not:
My with back to precisely know your of name and T-I do not break not seventeen rails have have it with with that a play me his break-in my back precisely knowing your name of the skies however to be narrow a place as that all it however will not ignite can miss to you a cause narrow sky being in a place like that I statement narrow skies being in a place like that taking to him return niederwerfen, take this evening niederwerfen to him thinks of return me to becoming make a noise with ruin my well moonlight somebody state me to have a friend to you confidentially to look like friend one that me to have one year last February to be to him to have potential loan? Do you leave us slightly with role on which its delivery is new taking and I leave without you prepares? * to make if if you to swindle us on slightly new however sky not narrow in a place as that any outward journey however not to ignite to be able to you to miss a sky cause not narrow in a place like thus I meaning sky not narrow in a place that that to take return niederwerfen, to take return niederwerfen this evening never to think I of becoming to make a noise ruins my moonlight well somebody to explain me to you a friend to look like a friend who I last February year not confidential I potential A rushin ', a rushin ' stage itself me I statement baby to perhaps ask around but I right not to know somebody now to state me you to look at of as a friend that in February of last year I had whom, does not have it me rushin potential A ' is confidential, rushin ' |
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| Inferiority Complexes of Sorts |
[Apr. 20th, 2005|06:33 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | frustrated | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Josie and the Pussycats | ] |
Right, so I just don't rant often, which is bizarre, because I just have so much to rant about!
Today, I'm going to talk about Inferiority Complexes of Sorts, and save my Reflections on Different Kinds of Males and Females and Disscusions on the Dimensions (much longer and much more complicated topics) for later. This is going to sound scientifical and shrinkish, so bear with me. It's the most comfortable way for myself to rant - ask my ex-boyfriend. c_c
Okay, so, what are "Inferiority Complexes of Sorts"?
Is it just necessarily something like Penal Envy, or Venus Envy?
Nnnnope.
In my experience, Inferiority Complexes of Sorts consist of the need of someone to prove that they are better than another person. This would, of course, imply that they feel that they are currently not considered better than the other person.
In the case of most people, generally males of a higher status ranking (though it is seen much more under-the-current in high-ranking females), this consists of acquiring bragging rights. These usually come in the form of a trophy, a medal, a higher school ranking, a better car, a higher grade, a complement by an important person, a special recognition - whatever it is that people consider good to obtain.
Also, previously mentioned high-ranking males tend to compete for their Higher Status quite ferociously. It is interesting to note that, when they have quite clearly lost, they become mute, and grow a little thorn in their hearts that reminds them they must seek revenge; when they win, they become howling, mocking furies of pompous size. They puff up and start letting out all their hot air on other people's candles, eventually blowing out so many they leave themselves in the dark.
I'll admit to being subject to this myself. I'm a very braggy person, and constantly feel the need to feed my ego.
Now, let me do a self-analization here: I am a teenage, female intellectual in a world where adult, male idiots get first say. Second this with the fact that, as an intellectual, I am prone to "too much questioning", and you get someone who clearly is not in the same caste as the rest, and who clearly does not fit in with the rest of the conservative world. That someone becomes a defensive Omega. Even long after they've proven their worth and carved a status for themselves, Omegas feel an absolute need to remind their peers of their increase in status.
Now, let me give you the following scenario:
Person A is a former Omega. Person A proved her worth and intelligence long ago, and is accomplished at certain Subjects T, U, V.
Persons B, C are Betas, and Person D is an Alpha. All these Persons still get this feeling that the former-Omega should not be at the same or upper level than they, as they also feel accomplished at Subjects T, U, and V, and, as equal Alpha-Betas, should be able to prove to Person A that they could still be superior if they tried.
Person A notes what they're trying to do, and is aware that, if they were to beat her, she would be reduced to Omega status temporarily, until she beat them back.
A war ensues. (this next part is confusing)
Now, Person A also happens to love Class X, but Teacher E of Subject W and X favors Persons B, C and D over herself. Persons B, C, and D end up getting special access to Class X, while Person A has to remain in Class W and fight for the highest position in the class, Position Y, instead of doing her favorite subject X.
B, C, and D mock and taunt A, as this has managed to permanently set them in a level above A for another whole year, even though clearly A is the leading member of T, U, and V, and A worked hard for 5 whole years to be accepted into Class X and was extremely disappointed that she did not get in.
So, in brief, this is how I feel right now. Favoritism for immature older males over mature teenage females really, really Pisses Me Off.
Fia out. |
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| So Sleepy |
[Sep. 20th, 2004|01:31 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | sleepy | ] |
My friends came up with the grand old idea of my birthday party being a Cocktail Party slash Dinner. Fun, no? I liked the iea myself so it shall be implemented. Hooray for Sweet Sixteens! =D Now all I have to do is rent tables and chairs, get the food, get a dress, invite all the people, check the weather to see if it'll rain...
Phew.
Also: Yayness!! I finally talked to Riku again! =D I am so damn slap happy I may just bounce off the walls. You have no idea what it's like to get an old friend back! |
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| So let me slip away, so let me slip away.. |
[Jul. 3rd, 2004|01:39 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  creative | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Long Way Down (Goo Goo Dolls) | ] |
Hm. My journals tend to have double titles, don't they?
Anyhow, yes, I saw Spiderman. It was better than #1, so I was glad I went to watch it (yes, even though it was DUBBED!) Sometimes I hate living in Mexico.
I was inspired today, therefore I actually finished a piece of art, DESPITE Painter Classic's attempts to thwart me! It killed my coloring and it could not be recovered, and yet I prevailed and redid it all from scratch! (It doesn't look as cool as it was supposed to, but hey, I discovered I have persistence after all).
I also grew exceedingly curious about this "little book" charged upon me for me Pre-AP English class next year. And I began leafing through it. And I liked it. So I read more! Yes, a book on grammar! Its name? The Elements of Style. Everyone who writes should own a copy, it is that good. And it its table of contents is enough for one to get ideas on who to write, simply because it tells you what not to write. I am living proof. After (literally) half a year of not continuing Simple Thoughts, I sat down and I read it all through. I corrected small mistakes, and I realized that I was not all that terrible a writer. Overwhelmingly glad, I wrote in four more paragraphs and got to CHAPTER THREE!
Upsettingly, instead of making me a terrible writer, God made me a slow one. I don't know which I prefer... |
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| Because Because Because Because Becaaauuuse |
[Jun. 28th, 2004|04:35 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  "swell" | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Pardon Me (Incubus) | ] |
Right, so I said that I would write more today!
Well, I was saying I watched Nightmare Before Christmas... I did. I just wish I understood all of the lyrics. Even with the volume very loud it was difficult to distinguish voices. That made it even worse when the songs got stuck in my head - I didn't know what the heck I was mumbling! But, generally, I really liked that movie. Jack and Sally are SO CUTE ^^; The character designs were spectacular. Tim Burton likes tiny limbs and large middles, doesn't he? o_o I couldn't even see what shoes they were all wearing! The only thing I saw on Sally's feet were her socks. >_> Wonderful stuff, though. How do they get them so that they don't fall over when they're walking up or down something?!
Oh, and today I saw something I didn't remember seeing: The Wizard of Oz. It was completely enjoyable, in a very Alice in Wonderland sort of way. It's going to have me saying "swell" and "oh my" and "oh dear" the rest of the day, though. x-x Dorothy was really, REALLY bright, wasn't she? "Oh Toto, I have this feeling we're not in Kansas anymore..." No wonder that line is so quoted everywhere. Some brain she has. oO Ahem, and I beg your pardon - I hope you ignore my for-the-first-time criticisms. :P I really enjoyed both movies!
I'm adding friends left and right. ^-^ If you know anyone I know or that you'd think I'd like to know, don't hesitate to tell me!! Anyone you point out to me from Yerf or on my DeviantART friends list, I will add on the spot. o_o |
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| If you say so... |
[Jun. 28th, 2004|12:50 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | satisfied | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | This is Halloween Halloween.. (playin in my head, yo) | ] |
"98% of the teenage population does/has tried pot. If you're part of the 2% who hasn't, copy this in your journal."
So there you go. =D
More on more stuff tommorrow when it's not midnight. ^-^ But oh!! I just watched The Nightmare Before Christmas for the first time! Clever man, that Tim Burton. I wonder why I hadn't watched it before... ah yes, I remember. I was young and terrified. =P More, again, tommorrow...
Other (not so important) movie watched: The Man with Rain in his Shoes |
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| Marathon Dancing Doopdeedoo |
[Jun. 26th, 2004|05:56 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  indescribable | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Total Immortal (AFI) | ] |
Okay, so the titlebar has nothing to do with this whatsoever... but hey, it SOUNDS like a fun song! I haven't actually watched the Triplets of Belleville. I will eventually, I swear it! >D
Damn I'm tired. I want to draw but I'm far too lazy to, and Saioh's been on hiatus 2 weeks in a row. I don't feel much like myself right now. Ack god. I wish I had some TV, it would make me feel better. I watched the Towelie episode of South Park yesterday and, although it was funny, it didn't have the sort of humor that really gets to me, you know? I wasn't hyper yesterday, despite the fact that my friends were cracking the best jokes they have in a long time. Ah well, maybe it's just the drowzy summer.
Some summer it's been, though. It's been RAINING. In MEXICO. Jeezus, I just don't understand monterrey weather. Tralala. Ahem, I have much to do other than rant all over this journal. *sigh* I suppose I'll get to it! |
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| Howdy |
[Jun. 26th, 2004|12:09 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | drained | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Mesa Que Más Aplauda (climax) | ] |
If you're reading this, it means you stumbled upon my new journal... I daresay welcome. If I added you to my friends list, don't be freaked out -- I came here from Yerf, so I'm going to be adding several Yerfers I know onto my friends lists. It doesn't mean I'm stalking you or even that I presume to know you. It just means I want to build a snug community around myself of people I know online. I have another blog, as well as a DeviantART Journal but I honestly like LiveJournal better.
So, now that I'm here, I'll give you a couple of links that might or might not tell you stuff about myself.
Fantasy Ink
It's my website, doncha know.
Conspiracy
And THAT is my web manga. Not that you'll be interested, but hey. =D
I'm also on DeviantART as fia2, on the Yerf Forums moderating the Yerf.Binaries as Fia, and randomly roleplaying about as either Zenith, Nica or Saioh. I read webcomics, draw webcomics, read and write novels, see and do art, but I DO NOT do fanfiction, and only .01% of my art is truly fanart (and I -never- post it). I love giving gifts to people, though, so if you find a random picture in your inbox it's likely from me.
So yeah, blogs are supposed to be short. |
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